How to Overcome Abusers & Narcissists

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What are the consequences of not dealing with these harmful people effectively?

There is a saying we heard in this episode from Gennike – that narcissists feel disrespected when you don’t allow them to disrespect you.

Maybe you are looking for a peaceful resolve after you’ve done nothing wrong and their appears to be harsh claims against your character. Maybe you made a little mistake and now this situation blew up beyond belief to make you look incompetent or even bad a terrible person.

In any event, when you finally stand up for yourself in any fashion – any resolution you work towards will never be good enough for them until you are demoralized, sad, and helpless and they have what they want.

Where do narcissists, manipulative, and abusive people pop up in our life?

Sometimes we get slapped with some cards we don’t want to play (or even know how to). In our times of confusion and pain, the unfortunate thing is there are people that know our hand and also know how to use it to their advantage.

It may be a romantic entanglement, a challenging relationship within an organization, or a family affair… negative people who do not have your best intentions involved will happily use and exploit you to either see you suffer or get something they want out of you.

These types of people will pop up anywhere air exists.

How did Gennike manage these situations when toxic people popped up in her life?

It appears in Gennike’s life, she got hit from all angles when it came to toxic people making an unwelcome entrance into her life.

From being treated abusively in a managerial role to feeling like an outcast by a close friend to experiencing divorce and suffering. There appeared to be no shortage of situations manipulative and abusive people would show up in her life.

BUT these situations gave Gennike heightened awareness and a unique skill set to see the stormy waters ahead and navigate them the best she can.

So you do not have to go through the same pain she has experienced, here are her tips from our 10th episode of our Empowered Life Hacks talk series all about how to overcome abusers and narcissists:

1) Use self reflection and introspective questions to see whether you may be interpreting the situation wrong – Ask yourself where is my contribution to these situations? Where do I have some control? What nay you be doing that has people acting negatively to you. This helps separate yourself from the situation so you are less bitter so you are free.

2) When your realize you are not to blame… Let go – Rather than letting bitterness fester in you and harm your health, try to breath, focus on something more productive like the people that care about you in your life and let it go.

3) When your boundaries are crossed, ACKNOWLEDGE the situation internally first – If someone is saying something you do not like. Address it plain and simple. What is the behavior the other person is doing and how is it making me feel? Does it feel like it’s crossing a boundary? If so then think about addressing them directly.

4) AGAIN USE SELF REFLECTION – Did you really do this? Was that the intention of your heart? Did it come out wrongly? Maybe in your heart it was a certain way but by the time it came out it got skewed? Is it possible you may be interpreting the situation wrong, IF THE ANSWER IS NO, then you are in a clear.

5) When you acknowledge a boundary is crossed ADDRESS them directly – For example Gennike was a supervisor and was getting bullied by who she was supervising. Once she agreed things were going down a slippery slop she addressed the situation by saying things like “When you do (their behavior) I feel (what you are experiencing) I find it insulting, can you please try and use a different language or tone?” OR “Perhaps next time can you try and approach me in a different way or come to me sooner, I’d be happy to work through a resolution earlier next time”.

6) Do not sweep things under the rug – It may be difficult to have a difficult conversation but the longer you wait the worse it will get for you. Use the prior tips and address the situation as soon as you realize what is happening. Again, things will get worse and more difficult the longer you wait.

7) If you tried to find some middle ground with no luck, use a remediation process –  In an organization, this is where you may bring a 3rd party into help you manage your differences and see if you can both agree to work towards meeting in the middle somewhere based on the negative experiences you are having with one another. You may in your personal life ask the other person to work through such a process when you find you made no progress in your relationship. Here you can simply table everything and see if you can create some new practices to keep each other feeling respected. Maybe you put a post-it note on your desk or a reminder in your phone to remind you of your end of the bargain. This only works if both parties take responsibility.

8) When all else fails, leave the relationship or resign from your job – It is not easy to do, but sometimes you have to make a decision to walk away after you tried your best to make things work. You do not always have to go through a long drawn out process to establish this either.

9) If things are toxic within your organization and you leave… think about a formal complaint process and resignation letter – WARNING. This may be risky. You may create enemies or this may fall on deaf ears. If this is a large organization you may not be able to work their or sister companies. BUT that being said… to shed light on a situation that is impacting many people other then yourselves could be a great service to those in need. You leaving the organization could give you this avenue to voice your opinion safely.

10) See and document patterns – As you navigate these relationships with toxic people you will notice some patters, red flags, and warning symbols that will get your attention. What seems unfortunate now will prime you to handle much more complex situations when these people cross your path. Let no opportunity to learn be wasted!

11) Follow this general assessment process Gennike suggested – Find your boundaries >>> keep them in tact by acting accordingly and speaking up when they are crossed >>> if they keep being crossed you can a) walk away or b) go through a remediation process >>> if you are not getting the resolution you want after the prior walk away. NOTE, in an office space you may be more tolerable and look for peaceful resolution since you will see them everyday. In your personal life you may take a more direct and stern approach and cut people off much quicker!

12) Be aware of gas lightening and manipulation through daily reflection – Be aware of how others try to plant seeds of doubt in your mind or make you a suspect to their games. You may be quite responsible actually in letting these people in your life. To combat this make it a daily habit of assessing and reminding yourself of you are? What do you stand for? What do you want from that day? Who is being toxic in you achieving this? Who is helping you achieve this? MAKE SURE YOU WEED DAILY. Pick up your weeds little by little. DO NOT ALLOW PEOPLE TO PLANT THOSE SEEDS OF NEGATIVITY.

***Combine these tips together – when you pair some or all of these together your benefits compound**