How to Overcome Fitting in… To Find Yourself!

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Why do we try to “fit” in?

It’s a natural human tendency. To go somewhere new and want to feel accepted so we can feel the connection and joy of being part of a larger commune of people.

Something primal exists in us that brings this out of us. However, how come we still try and full-fill this need for connection now when we can actually be more independent than ever to reach our goals?

In Rosa Antonia Carrillo‘s book “The Relationship Factor in Safety Leadership” (Buy her book here, if you are in leadership it is worth every last penny) she mentions how the need for connection is equal to the need for both food and shelter.

This has me thinking… look at what people are capable of doing when they are hungry or when they may loose their a home. Human behavior can take a dark turn. Based on what Rosa’s book suggests, how far would people go for human connection then?

If people do some barbaric things to fill their need for food and shelter, and the need for connection for humans is greater then those two, it is conceivable that when we feel like we are significantly lacking in this department, we will go to extreme lengths to attain it that may be out of character.

This begs the question, what is at risk when we look to attain human connection through the validation of others in new environments?

What happens when we try and “fit” in?

We are walking into a new job site, classroom, gym, or meet-up… we see people dressed a certain way, talking a certain way, and admire subtly how established they are in this new social system. We may begin to think, “Do I belong? Should I still dress this way? Am I qualified to be here?”.

This may trigger us to begin to alter ourselves subtly or disregard certain values and boundaries just so we can get our foot in the door of acceptance but at what cost?

It is okay to change certain ways of communicating and/or the way we dress based on the context. After all this is why humans are so special, our ability to adapt is second to none. But when we use our adaptability trait in new settings we at times unwillingly distance ourselves from our true selves and become more unconfident because deep down we know and people can sense we aren’t being authentic.

When this occurs often we get the opposite reaction we anticipated. Rather then modifying who we are to fit the scene and getting acceptance we get rejected or negative vibes.

This in return leads us to starting where we left off. Uneasy, unconfident, and in dire need of connection. This also leads us to potentially stretch our boundaries and alter our values more and more till we no longer recognize who the person looking back at us in the mirror. 

How did Radha fit in… by not fitting in?

Radha Kalaria was on the Empowered Life Hacks Talk series and talked all about the prior mentioned. She was new to a school, with an accent, she did not look like anyone there and wasn’t the typical “party” girl which made it hard for her to fit in College.

However, once months past and she realized being her is okay, she went all in with what she’s passionate about, what her values are, and what her boundaries are! It is safe to say, that young women who felt no one would like her and that she didn’t belong, found her place and still has many friends from her college years 20+ years later… because she was herself!

Here are her tips from episode 6 of our talk series on how to overcome trying to fit in… to find yourself:

1) Become competent  – If you are entering a new environment like at school, at work, or in a gym put your energy in becoming the best performer YOU can be. You will find people will flock to you because people are attracted to passionate people. 

2) Surrender. Let go of the desire of wanting to fit in – Remind yourself that you do not need to fit in often to accomplish what you set out to. You will be surprised when you focus on your objective how people naturally will engage you.

3) Be open, be approachable, avoid judgement – Remove the expectation that people have to behave a certain way around you. Have an open mind and don’t discriminate, condemn, or complain (This is from a Dale Carnegie book, check it out here). Especially when you know nothing about the people you interact with.

People can sense when you are overthinking things or are thinking judgmentally. They can also sense when you are coming from a place of understanding. So send good and humble vibes without expectation to increase the likelihood of a positive and meaningful interaction.

4) Take a step back, breath, and evaluate – Rather then  being reactive and letting fear guide your mind and actions. Take a step back and ask yourself “Who am I? What am I here for? Do I need people to behave a certain way for me to be happy or achieve my goal?”, bring it back to your purpose and passionate

5) Create boundaries and thresholds  – What situations will you find yourself in? In these scenarios, what will be acceptable for me? How far am I comfortable going? How far am I willing to go? Take a step back, do you need to look this way, or talk this way, or partake in this activity? What are the risks if I do? 

Once you establish these write them down concisely and stick to them. You can also journal to see how well you did at at staying on path!

6)Follow this 3 step process to find your purpose and your direction– 

Step 1: Clarify – Find what you stand for, what your passionate about, what interests you more particularly and what vision you want to attain!

Step 2: Simplify – Narrow your focus even greater. Simplify all your ideas and create a laser focus around things that can act as your compass to bring you back to a place of motivation and get you on course.

Step 3: Amplify – Whatever you like and are finally pursuing… stick to it! Let it shape you. Double down and go all in. Do stay focused and push through. Don’t give up.

Give it time for the results and your efforts to amplify because before you know it you will crave validation from others less and naturally people will flock to you (whom are likeminded often). so you can grow even greater.

7)Communicate with yourself – Are you happy with yourself? Are you your best friend? Are you spending enough time with yourself? If you are not comfortable communicating with yourself, what makes you confident communicating with others?

8) Find friends that align with your values and passions- I read somewhere friends are the family you choose. Once you find out who you are it will be easier to remain authentic and free by finding people that align with who you are and what you care about.

***Combine these tips together – when you pair some or all of these together your benefits compound***